The Connecticut Challenge

Five years ago, after I graduated from college I decided to hike the Appalachian Trail.  For those of you who don’t know, the Appalachian Trail is a footpath through the wilderness that runs from Maine to Georgia.  It’s 2,517 miles of walking up and down mountain after mountain.  It’s a masochistic bastinado torture machine where your job is to hit the bottom of your feet with 200lbs of force for twelve hours a day, seven days a week.

Two months into the hike, I felt myself become invincible.  I was in the best shape of my life.  I could hike 26 miles, a full marathon in a day, getup the next morning and do the same thing.  My legs had become massive and rock hard.  But there was always a point in the day, around mile 16, where they would start to hurt.  Like someone was hitting the bottom of my feet with hammers.

I hiked Southbound, meaning I started in the north and I was heading south.  Two months into the hike I reached the end of Massachusetts and I was heading into Connecticut.  A friend I picked up hiking on the trail named Reset, yeah it’s a weird name, he was thinking of hiking the whole state of Connecticut, all 53 miles of it, in one 24 hour day.  He asked me if I was interested. I thought about how I had just hiked a 20 mile day, stretched, and then said I’ll wake up at 11:00pm and see how I feel.

So at midnight we start hiking.  It’s pitch black out, we can only see due to the flashlights attached to our heads.  30 minutes in, my headlamps dies.  I try my best to scramble up a ledge but I keep banging my shins on the rocks.  My heart sinks I tell Reset that I can’t do it.  We have no spare batteries.  I didn’t plan for this so I wasn’t prepared.

This is a big deal because if Reset goes on hiking by himself and gets hurt at night, no one will find him for hours.  It’s a dangerous situation.  Plus I’m breaking this promise.  I’m pussing out.

Reset says no, we can do this.  He tells me to stay close to him and use his light.  After trying different positions I settle on hiking in front of him with him close behind.  I learned so much about using all my senses that night.  I was standing in front, so I cast a shadow right in front of myself.  I had no direct vision.  I had the opposite of tunnel vision.  I learned to use my peripheral vision, how to feel the trail with my feet, and study the design of how trails are constructed.  

I discovered that trails form a U shape from all the foot traffic pounded into it.  Trails always go around the side of the tree facing a hill.  My reflexes increased to super human levels.  I almost walked dick first into a pointy log.  Good thing I stopped a split second before.  I tripped so many times that night that I felt like Willie Nelson at Woodstock.

Even though we stopped a few times to alleviate Reset’s unfortunate case of diarrhea, we made good time.  We felt strong when we were walking on the flat portion of the trail 20 miles in.  We stopped and spoke to people.  I tried my best to get the most out of the crappy food I had.  I made a powdered hummus shake.  Don’t try it.  It’s not good.

After the halfway point we hit a problem.  We got lost.  There were trail markers leading down a road and I took them.  Reset stopped and said he thought we should turn around after a mile.  I was stubborn.  I said I needed to make sure; I didn’t want to waste the mileage we just made.  I walk another mile down the steep road to a gas station.  I run in, looking at my watch and the precious time we wasted.  I ask the cashier, “ Where is the trailhead to the Appalachian Trail?”  She has no idea what I’m talking about.  “A trail, a footpath through the woods.” Still a blank stare.  “Do you have a map of the area?”  There is a road map.  I pull it out looking for any indication of a trail.  Nothing.  I buy four candy bars and run out. AHHHH! I’m wasting so much time!

I find a trailhead across the street, and it has a map on a post. Bingo I think.  This must be it.  My heart is pounding and my eyes are darting around but I slowing come to the understanding that this is all wrong.  This isn’t the Appalachian Trail.  It’s a whole other trail with a parking lot with a map.  The map shows the Appalachian Trail way back up the mountain.  It was directly across the street from where we exited the woods.  If I had just kept walking straight I would have seen the trail.  It was only a few steps right in from of us.  Instead I saw the markers on the telephone poles and turned down the street and lost 4 miles and 2 hours of my very precious 24 hours.  

I start running uphill on this random trail in the direction of the Appalachian Trail.  I then realize how stupid I was to not take the road.  So, I cut towards the road and realize how stupid that was too.  The side of the road is covered in a crazy amount of vines. I struggle to posthole through until I realize that rolling on my side is far more productive.  

I speed walk back to the trail head and Reset is gone.  He is nowhere to be found.  This is my worst fear.  I lost him.  He was supposed to be waiting for me to report back.  I decide to continue on the trail and after a mile I find him! He is sitting on the side of the trail eating an orange that a dayhiker gave him.  My heart finally settles down.  I feel like I am reunited with my mother after wandering away in Macy’s.

We set back out on our hike.  At our next stop I get spare batteries from a very kind lifesaving dayhiker.  The following snack break is different.  After sitting down for 15 minutes I find it unusually difficult to stand back up.  This is around the 35 mile marker.  I have never put my body through this kind of torture before.  I put my backpack on, take one step and stumble.  Oh my gawd.  I cannot walk.  Reset tells me we need to go.  I tell him I can’t.  My legs are not moving.  The tendons in my legs are acting like tight strings that lost all their elasticity.

Reset tells me, “You can do it! Just start walking.”  I take little baby steps and after 5 minutes I’m finally taking full strides again.  From then on I realize I can’t stop moving.  I don’t know when my tendons will freeze up for good.

We hike through sunset over more mountains with two headlamps this time.  We find ourselves taking more frequent stops.  Our brains are turning into mush and our motor skills are reduced to those of an 80 year old man.  I stop at a stream to take a quick drink 20 minutes after our last break.  Reset sits right down and starts pumping water.  Its clear he is planning a longer break than I had anticipated.  When he finishes pumping, I tell him we need to get moving.  He has settled into his seat because he knows how far we have.  He tells me, “Come on, we only have 2 miles left.”  I reply, “Yeah, but we only have…” I check my watch, then say, “2 hours.”  His face sinks.  I could tell my words hurt him.  But it was just what he needed to hear.  Reset said, “You’re right.”  Then stood up and we walked those last two miles in one hour.

When we reached the road marking the boarder into New York State, we looked at each other.  Then walked directly across it and into a whole new state of mind.  We had hiked across the whole state of Connecticut in 22 hours.  But this wasn’t a challenge anymore.  This was survival.  We both knew we had 3 miles to go till we made it to the shelter.  Our pace picked up and we walked fast.  Sleep was the drug we were craving and the end of this walk was in sight.

After another hour of walking, it appeared that we were close.  We checked what looked like one side trail.  Nope, that’s not it.  We stop near well water pump.  Consider for a second if we should check.  I don’t remember why, my brain was very hazy at this point.  We take too long to decide to explore, so I start to continue walking on the trail.  Five steps in Reset says, maybe we should just look around the pump a little more.  I shout out to him in a loud grumble, “I already started walking!”  He, for some stupid reason, agrees with this broken logic and follows behind me.

Reset and I reminisced on this one situation many times because if the shelter was by the well water, then we would have had to walk 8 more miles to the next shelter.  Luckily it was only a few steps right in from of us.

Deeper

I remember, when I was young, my neighbors had a dog.  That dog was brown.  He ran around the tall trees.  He broke his leg and disappeared.  I didn’t really understand why the dog went away at the time.  My neighbors got another dog soon after.  It was a black female dog that was twice my size.  I remember yelling at the dog, “Stop!” and the dog obeyed.  I felt so powerful.  I learned the strength of speaking with authority.

I remember hiking through my neighbor’s back yard.  I was traveling with a younger boy.  We walked through the tall trees, vines, and thorns.  It was dangerous!  Just two boys squeezing through the thickest jungle covered in the sharpest prickers.  I had a red windbreaker on that soon earned a few tares.  This boy and I traveled to the deepest end of the woods and back.  When we left, we felt like brave GI Joes that have conquered the most extreme terrain.  I learned the power of courage in the face of danger.

I remember playing soccer with the boy and his younger brother.  We were competitive.  I was the oldest, tallest, fastest, and strongest.  I was able to take them both on and keep the game even.  We used trees, swings, and fences as boundaries.  The brothers would get angry at each other and started fighting almost every time we played.  I tried to stop them because I didn’t like watching them bicker.  One afternoon I turn their fight into a joke.  “Stop fighting! You two need to kiss and makeup.”  “Come on kiss!”  They immediately start laughing.  The fight was over.  I learned the influence of laughter.

I remember arguing with these two boys.  “I’m never going to play with you again!” said the youngest.  “Yeah sure,” I said.  Arguing was a regular occurrence.  I had noticed that even if we seem to have the biggest fight in our short history on the earth, the next day, we would start as friends again.  The slate would be wiped clean.  I learned that friendship grows deeper than grudges.

I remember us getting older.  We grew apart when we moved to different schools and our age gap became less cool.  We lost time.  We were lucky to find each other again though.  We got into paintball.  We played with guns and ran into the woods for cover.  We sliced up our legs and teamed up on each other.  The pain and loss would make us angry, but this time we could control the anger.  We bonded a friendship even stronger.  I learned that strategizing and taking risks made life more exhilarating.

I remember us moving farther and farther away.  We would only see each other on holidays if our family didn’t keep us busy.  We partied hard with the little time we had. I was dropped off at the house of a golden god drunk on history some nights.  One of the last nights together we had an argument.  It was over $10.  I pulled some hair and instantly became disgusted with myself.  I left crying.  I couldn’t believe I would do such a thing to my bother.  “You’re my brother! My brother!” I cried as I sat on the road in the middle of the night.  Our bond had grown deeper that I had sincerely recognized.  I learned that family runs deeper than blood.

Turns and turns give me the wonders of what will come next. I just wonder what life will steer me to next. I am larger than ever in my head but I know that I have become forgotten already. Steering for importance kills me. It is an egotistical action that makes me wish that I was not being hypocritical. It is true though. You taste importance and you want more. You crave more. I didn't want to become important at first. I just want to do something. I then wanted to be a part of something. I then wanted to help and feel belonging. I then wanted to become essential. Once you hit essential to success, then your ego grows. People recognize you and you feel good. An amazing goodness that cannot be faked. You can make up awards or you can create fake objects but the words and eyes that are lain upon you change you.

Once this change occurs I reached higher. I reached the top, my full potential. Then when you put yourself in a place where you are not the best you learn the most. Constant learning was very beneficial for me. When that learning ends all you have is yourself to look into. Looking into myself I found another empty vessel with empty promises. There is still much potential to be noticed. I can not wait for the next challenge. Where is this challenge. Come to me now! I am sitting around leeching off the same knowledge that I have long mastered. New new new! I need newness to grow and I am devolving in my own filth.

New dreams grow. I shall reach for one that is attainable now. It will be something that can be repeated multiple times till the end of my time. Some one knows someone who knows someone who did it. I shall be one who did it. I shall walk for pointless countless days for a goals that only a fool would think is acceptable. I have toys. The toy attaining part was fun. I have made reservations and read the books on it. Easy is what I call it. Will it test me? I hope so. I hope it makes me cry, scream, and yell. I hope it makes my heart beat. I hope my mind races and crashes. I hope new lessons are learned. I hope I change. I wish to lose fear of phones, fear of older people, and fear of rejection. I can speak in front of others. I will accept opportunities. I have stumbled over my words and spoken so fast in front of people who look up to me and think so highly of me.

When will that respect return? It is not won in two years anymore. It is something that is won in ten, twenty, thirty years now. Thirty years of respectful action. Stretch out your arms and fall over yourself. Even the effort required to get up and run drains my mind. The after effects are so beneficial. Confidence, health, and investment in the future make me smile. Reach for my hopes and dreams through my goals and actions and expectations and help through service. Channels, opportunities, mentors, advisors, aides, assistants, abilities and lessons shall stick and fit.

I keep saying it but I'm running on E. I have a brick in my seat, had it all day with no time to spare. I wanted something to hand out but the slips shrunk to the point where they wouldn't cut. Pain aint got nuttin to do wit it. I'm not crying about good byes because I'm not leaving. I still have shit up my ass. I have more award ceremonies to worry about. I have to deliver undeliverable packages. Plus on top of that I have to help plan/try to be of some use planning a retreat that no one wants to attend. Something that I have Lost hope for. Wheres my passion? where is this light that I'm asking for. I'll zombie it till I get to study for classes that I can only hope to Be. I have grown yes farther from my friends and family. stressed my pants off to be by myself. I wish someone would grab my hand by force who give me comfort. Slap my face and tell me just to do my shit and let it go. Just quit it all and run away. But I cannot. I must stay strong! Pick and stick is something I said years ago and it fed me well. I must break down barriers and shout in the face of progress. Lets move this on. My mind thinks of collective thoughts and empathy. Lets get this moving with a new dream, not a continued lets put forth someone else's dreams. I want to push for national recognition. Lets move. I could just let my self do everything last minute. it will get done and I will be rushed through everything with my body taking all the tough punching bag rap. I strangle the sun with my eyes everyday when I rest them to the birds song. Too early too late in my day rest myself with no body movement. The free glum that comes with banquets start to catch up with my body. I need that weight lifted off my flesh. Yes society you tell me this but It is what makes me happy and gives me back my confidence. Emotion needs lift and the run releases the anger. The pressure needs relief and it will leave with the beans. Unproductive seems to be a synonym with lateness that rhymes with me. I was early to late rhymes with masturbate. Thats life that everyone sees. So don't tell me that someone runs my life and give me things to do that prepare me for my future. I do to learn for my self to build my confidence to build up to a building of a masterpiece that is my hard work. It is my reason for life. The thing I start, the thing I create. Myself. It's not ego, its my life. I live to live for the experience. I will experience your life if you let me. I just need the confidence to do so.

Your Fogar,
Craig

wah I'm drowning in my own blood. Drive is lost from my mind and all that remains right now is my hope that still seems to move me even though the light is on. I just need someone to let me relase this emotion but now I feel the most ugly as I ever have felt. My confidence is gone as well. I have rejected myself. I had a nice girl as me out. I decided I give her a chance even though I didn't feel attracted to her. Now don't get me wrong for she was not ugly and she wasn't stupid. She knew what she wanted too. I knew what she wanted. But I just didn't feel that way. Continue to when she picks me up and takes me to her room. I figure she will get me drunk while getting my homework done. I felt it was going to be productive. Naaa. All she wanted to do was fuck and you might say dude...fuck. But when you have no Al Hall with you and you are not previously attracted to this lady what happens is nothing. I couldn't move in because I myself did feel attracted to her. I actually did that once before and it sucked balls. Not literally. I wished. That girl was boring and lazy as hell. What it was about was not sex but just the feeling to be liked and okay to get off. Scratch what I said because I'm not going to lie yeah sex would be fun and nice but I don't know this girl just met her not attracted to her fuck I dont get what my actions did. I know that when I'm in a room or when your in a room you would look around and go yeah I'd do her/him. I just always though but now I too high for anyone. ehhh. I just want someone to hang out and to give a nice regular fuck to. Someone that could take the dogpound or the pile-driver. Preferably a broken in funny goof that would drink with me. But why can't I settle in my mind yet. urgh. I'm just too lazy. I don't want to do everything. I had a talk to a lady friend about relationships and how she got into hers. Here is someinteresting insight. When she first started her relationship her manfriend was very persistent. She even told the man that if he wanted it to work that he would have to do all the calling and basically put forth all the effort for the relationship. Sounds like that would be a dick thing to do but now she is very happy because she and her man friend are still going strong after a year or two. I told her that is exactly the opposite of what I want. I don't want to do all the work in a relationship. She told me that it just doesn't work that way. The girl will always be thinking things like does he really like me or does he just like me for the sex? Fuck girl. That just insults me as a man. If you have never had a close relationship where you felt something so much bigger that yourself I'm sorry for you. Not your dick asshole, I was talking about a feeling like adrenaline, a burning in your chest, being so happy that you couldn't give a shit what you were doing together because you know that you would have so much fun either way. A fuck buddy is fun as well but if the girl can't tell the difference if she is only a fuck buddy or a girlfriend then you are retarded. I don't understand why you hate me so. My stress is just building to beat me down everyday every class seems like a C and every group seems to be let down and my time seems to be lost and my goals seem to be late and my time is spent going in fifteen minute periods. Movies of useless thoughts of other useless people. ugh and ugh.I seem to have lost the meaning of fogar but I will give you
your fogar

Dragging on and on...wasting time and money and life because my life is my time and time is money if you turn it into the money that is possible to make. Why do I stay in my room all day doing nothing? Probably because I don't feel like it. so easy to do nothing. where is my motivation? I don't know probably from sex. Will I get any if I do anything today. Probably not...so why am I doing anything. Point made.

sorry about the light but let bring something to your mind. many travels have giving me some reasons to ask why do people use these drugs to impede themselves. now i believe that i wrote something on this long ago. now lets take it out of the box. I propose that it is all nostalgia from your childhood. this is if we talk of alcohol. other drugs are another story and personally i dont have much experience with them. but alcohol yes. i remember my writing on it was written before i had the experience of being drunk. now waystidness, as i shall hopefully call it, is like going back to the womb. we release our inhibitions yet we my know what is right and wrong we may not have any constraint for it. we are more likely to just go with our ideas. pointless things seem far more funny and stupid ideas are great ideas. i have thought many of times if it would actually be enjoyable to be reborn as a baby with the same knowledge and consciousness that i have now. would it really be? not able to have any conversation past what was on tv, or what this action figures name is. you can't talk about anything in a textbook because none of your friends would understand you. if you have babysat and played with the kids it is hard. it is fun in the beginning but it gets boring because it doesn't really challenge any thinking skills besides pretending. you may say that writing needs imagination...well it also requires manipulation of words and a knowledge of structuring a story. otherwise the story will not grab attention or interest. writing about something your interested in, even if no one will read it, is also different. this is because it is more of a conversation with your self. those i enjoy a lot. maybe not aloud but on this blog it is fun. back to the alcohol. when waystid i know that i feel free of my mature constraints. I have seen people get emotional when waystid, some people talk way to much, some people don't do anything. there are many different events that come about but they all lead to something that can be explained by loss of constraint or you can say maturity. one of my favorite effects of the waystidness is the blackout. this point can usually be noticed after the fact but by a veteran it can easily bee recognized for what it is. the turning point in the night where whatever you do you know your going to have a great time and not remember. the stories are a great benefit but the risk is also difficult. puking in your sleep in a big killer in alcohol related deaths. alcohol poisoning can be prevented as long as you know your limits. my limits are small but i know them. my point is not getting across because i am talking about other things but that is alright.
new subject: story attempt...did you take your vitamin c today? no but i will, they put it in everything now. i dont know why you wish for me to take it all the time now. no reason..it just prevents scuvey. we arent on a ship you retard. wee...ar..ent o..mm...a shoo..pp!!!! shut up asshole. fuck you...what is going on today. ahh that idea of writing drunkin journeys was a great idea. and........we should start it. i know your going to start writing and then give up. that's what happens all the time. fuck you. what is with all the potty. im just starting the party! no...you knew what i said. times are changing and language changes. whatever not my problem. i have so much work to do. everyone does. duhhh. this is what preschool? sure is pre graduate school. yeah if thats what you plan on doing with your life. living at school forEVER! foREVER? no FOREv..heyyyy how goes it T? Im good. anything new B? no nothing...lifes what you give it..a sock..whaaa..???he's acting retarded again lets check that wording....yep retard. what's with all the retarded talk? we already talked about the potty ness of our talk today thankyou..A Party?!?!? funny G. but that's not what was said and you know it. it did sound somewhat like party. it's your accent dude. dont accent my potty dude. part? shut up dickface! you need a devil's haircut. ha funny man with the music innuendo. when i feel the snake bi.Shut it! always allow B to take it up a notch. a..waa..a...y..ys a..a.lllo.w screw this. im taking a dump. thanks for telling me B.
going to stop for today